Sometimes I Really Just Want To Destroy Every Scrap Of My Existence

I feel like at the base of every human being is a tortured, wretched soul: my grandfather - incapacitated by disease, my grandmother - trapped in a loveless marriage, my father - constantly occupied by tasks that don't fulfill him.
I don't know. The people in my family who I don't feel that for are the ones I don't know well, or else seem to focus on themselves.
Is the answer to my happiness in chasing my dreams without abandon? Taking risks, and never looking back? Having no regrets? Does that coincide with only thinking of myself and not looking out for others? Is it right to please myself and not look out for the world's future? I don't think it is. But then again, that part of me I get from my dad.
I don't want to end up miserable like my dad. Well, my dad's not miserable. I just think at the core he's not happy.
Aren't I a sweetheart?
Maybe it's that time of the month again.

Tired of these trials

tired of waiting for your call
(okay I'll admit it was really a text, but that's almost too pathetic)
but admit it, I shall.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

#1 So I'm wicked asian.
#2 This whole doubling up in science thing was a BAD IDEA. I know so little about either.

Let's talk about sex, baby.

I Want To Be The Best At Everything, And I'm Not So I Hate Myself

How stupid is that?
(Not stupid.)
It's my desire, my life's aspiration to be these things, and every day, even the good days, even the uneventful ones, I'm never completely content because I know I'm not the best. I know I'm not actually good at soccer. I know my grades aren't at the minimum that I want. I know that I feel screwed over by every aspect of life. But I also know that it's all actually my fault. So I hate myself for not being the best. I know that's stupid. I know if I really wanted it I'd achieve it.
But it doesn't stop me from hating what I've become, who I have to change myself into if I want to be happy. I want to be happy by reaching my dreams. But I can't. So I have to change my dreams. Well fuck.

No New News Means El Still Hates Herself

Ugh. There's just mo part of myself that I agree with. And today my mom offered to set up an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist, and I had always thought that would be interesting, but I chickened out. I backed out of it, and now have no appointment, and am as confused about myself as ever. (But I'm a teenager, anything less would be unfair to the other teenagers.)
The point is I'm not doing anything I say I'm going to to. And I can't love this person who's not what I want to be. I need something's help but I don't know who or what or how, and I don't know what to do with myself.
Basically, I don't want to do anything, and I keep talking about how tired I am, but I don't think it's any worse than usual. I'm pretty sure that now that I'm sick I'm just able to pretend or admit to myself that I am tired. And it sucks cause I'm doing less now than ever. Man, I can't believe I even said that cause I can't believe it's even possible.
I dare anyone to do as little as I do every day. I really do. You'd probably be bored, haha. (Well I guess that's not really funny, but maybe a little.)
Anyway, I've run out of things to say and wish I had something creative to write...
CrEaTiVe CReaTIve ME.
I SaT uP IN a TREe.
But seriously.
What the fuck.
(I want this hurly-burly to be done.)

I Love When You

Take off your clothes, and show me all your sickly yellowed skin.
I don't love your black bruises, your loose skin,
......but the vulnerability in your actions
......it makes my heart soar.

And as I trace my nail along your sharp hipbone
you shiver and twitch and your hands move to cover your eyes
......all filled with shame of yourself and the world you harbor.
......spilling over, tears sharing your shame with me.

My brutal fascination would be dangerous had you not sworn me to secrecy;
to touching but no telling, to seeing but not helping.
......you know I think these tears are my fault.
......I'm scratching at your flaws and kissing your strengths,

but I'm completely covered, and my face is made up to be pale.
You can see none of my rolls, my blemishes, my bitterness,
......the irrational vileness and hate in my soul,
......you aren't treated like my equal. So why do you love me like my better?

It's Official

Or something.
I am more pathetic than most of America.
Fuck.
Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime. For now self loathing will do me some good.
Good night, all.
Up yours Mrs. @#$%. Just kidding.
Kinda.

And You Know

by the swing of her hair,
and the tilt of her head
that she's not looking at your face.

She's staring down the floor,
asking it for more,
like it knows how to give and give
to the content of the lovers and brothers.

And you know,
like any reasonable sad sack,
that she will get no response
from wooden panels and tear worn flannels
strewn about that dusty floor.

But still she pleads and feeds her
addiction. She lies, calling it an
affliction, but she takes it by the hand and
commands it to consume her.

And you know
it's all she could ever ask for,
that you be the one, to degrade her little
thoughts into little particles of matter,
the one to toss her to the wind.

You fit in her walking away
and sorry-to-say lyrics.
The perfect match burying
hatchets in each other's backs.

So Manchester Wins This Post (And I Fail At Having Something Worthwhile To Say)

However, I hope you enjoy the lyrics enough to distract you... If you do look up the song let me know what you think when the chorus/crowd comes in cause I think I prefer it without it... but it would be a completely different song. Anyway here goes:

Her heart beats fast
out of sheer pain inside.
Her face is left bruised,
just from speaking her mind.
She keeps the lights low,
cuz the neighbors all know,
there's a husband next door,
who's creating a widow.
His first name is Russel
and his best friend's the bottle.
He's a middle class man
with a hate for his father,
and her name is Marcy,
and she's such a darling;
she wears her black eyes
instead of fine jewelry,
but she still loves him.

La-Di-Da-Di-Da-Di-Da-Di-Da (x2)

A little girl stands on the outskirts of town,
she makes beautiful noise,
but sticks to her frown.
There's nothing around here
that's worth fighting for.
She drinks till she's quiet
and falls to the floor.
She's sorry she stands there
and regrets her birth.
She's eager for love,
but lacking of worth,
the skies scream, "I hate you",
and the clouds bleed of shame.
She sits there for hours,
playing the same song again,
and no one listens.

Thou Thou Thou

Frou Frou Frou
I wish I had a post for you you
never have I ever, goes the choo choo
up to your knees in poo poo, moo moo

chaching chaching. money and bling
put your hands up to the ceiling.
art in a cart did nart depart.

Mkay. Ro has begun to write, and so too will I.

Cheat Of A Post (But I'm Doing So Well!)

kind of
yes/agree

01. You’re currently confused about someone’s feelings for you.
02. You have been in a serious relationship before.
03. You own an iPod of some sort.
04. You do not like your sibling’s girlfriend/boyfriend.
05. You drink too much alcohol.
06. You have been to an Olive Garden.
07. You have taken medicine of some sort this week.
08. It is really cold in your house right now.
09. You are extremely dependent on others.
10. You do not like to express your feelings in front of others.
11. You ate a lot of food today.
12. It doesn’t take much for you to cry.
13. People consider you a sappy sort of person.
14. Someone in your family is rich.
15. You have been to Disney World or Disneyland before.
16. You hate when people constantly talk about themselves.
17. You are a good listener, but you hate complainers.
18. Someone has called you for a serious medical emergency before.
19. You have had a serious surgery.
20. Your house has a spare bedroom.
21. Your house is old.
22. You have at least one cousin under the age of three.
23. You have never held a baby before.
24. You can’t handle toddlers.
25. You have a painting in your room.
26. You have been to Canada.
27. You have been to Mexico.
28. You love cherry flavored lollipops.
29. You celebrate Easter.
30. You observe Lent.
31. You are Catholic.
32. You do not believe in God.
33. Religion is not important to you.
34. You want to have a BIG family one day.
35.You would rather have more sons than daughters.
36. You have more aunts than uncles.
37. You hate being too cold.
38. You currently are way more tan than everyone else.
39. You wear shoes in your house.
40. Your parents are clean freaks.
41. You are more messy than clean.
42. You are currently angry at someone.
43. Patience is so not a virtue to you.
44. Your desk is extremely clean.
45. Your bed sheets are either blue, green, black, or white.
46. When you hear ‘black & white’ it reminds you of Katy Perry’s ‘hot n cold’ song.
47. You have no clue what that song is.
48. You think rap artists are completely pathetic.
49. You are glad George Bush is out of office.
50. Politics are boring to you.
51. You take a vitamin daily.
52. You feel like you are sick often.
53. You hate throwing up.
54. You think it’s gross when people set food down on their desk at school with no napkin.
55. You also find it gross that people sit on top of desks.
56. You are now cringing at the thought of someone’s food where someone’s ass was.
57. You love taking bubble baths.
58. You do not like chocolate at all.
59. You are allergic to nuts.
60. You have been stung by a bee before.
61. You have been to the emergency room before for something.
62. One of your parents is 50 or older.
63. You are the baby of your immediate family.
64. You hate broccoli.
65. Cooked carrots are good, though.
66. You go on tumblr too much.
67. You are really comfortable right now.
68. You like witty t-shirts.
69. You are a major fan of underground bands.
70. You have been on an airplane before.
71. You are not afraid of heights.
72. You consider yourself paranoid.
73. You have had a panic attack before.
74. The thought of being old and alone bothers you.
75. You would choose the elderly over children.
76. You feel like you’re living in the wrong decade.
77. You have smoked weed before.
78. You think it’s way too cold outside right now.
79. You love the thought of sleeping in tomorrow morning.
80. You would rather go to bed early and get up early.
81. You feel like the early bird catches the worm.
82. You are a big breakfast eater.
83. You are currently suffering from the common cold.
84. You are craving something salty.
85. You have been in a car today.
86. There is something plugged in near you.
87. You have heard of the TV show ‘Private Practice.’
88. You do not like medical television shows.
89. You prefer horror to comedies.
90. You adore Leo & Kate.
91. You think high-waisted pants look good
92. You hate cheesy movies.
93. You enjoy camping out.
94. Bugs don’t bother you.
95. You do well in school without trying.
96. You are extremely jealous of someone currently.
97. You feel like you have changed a lot from 08-09.
98. You like energy drinks.
99. You like italics.
100. You know the entire script of Mean Girls.

I love my hair.

People notice me and I look sexy. (Okay maybe not sexy but I really do love that if it was anyone else they could pull of dancing with it really well. Haha. Oh admissions...)
She's like a sunburn. - Third Eye Blind
I want to update later... not sure if I'll have time but I'm actually well managed at this point!

"You said you saw it coming but you didn't see nothing,
your eyes are on the living room your eyes are on the closet,
don't worry about, don't worry about anything.

A pity invitation to an awkward house,
for pseudo-boy who would rather wear a blouse,
I sincerely saw your skin for the very first time.

My curly hair and a voting booth,
confessedly, this is the first time I've loved you,
and God I mean, God I mean it, I hope that I mean it.

'Cause like dying young, idols got the best of me,
well don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep,
and the building collapse, we'll shop one for something.

I'll stick it at our skin, pierced for something."
- Manchester Orchestra

In Love With Conflict And Conflicted By Choice

catch me
i'm falllllll--
throw me
i'm yourrrrrr--
wrench me
i'm worthhhhh--
whatever you do.
whatever you say.
wherever you go.
I've got gesticulating sores along my arms,
running up and down like sprinters who roll along, making your flesh crawl.
I've been mindfucked by the most beautiful evil,
you've been too, and face it: it felt like heaven, 'til you came down.
then it felt like heaven had vomited you out of it wellspring half formed and still twitching.

And I've got another factoid for you
just for you and you and you my sweet.
you loved that baby-vomit concoction that was your flesh, mind and soul.
rewind
rewind
dniwer
geb ll'uoy
siht ekil skaeps eno on tub
we're all forward moving, hoping, failing
and desperation can only take you back to reminiscent memories.
remember when? remember when?
sweet sugar winds, with bright skies and turquoise eyes, skylights and passionate fights?

yeah. yeah you remember.
but here you are
with your open sores, and candle burned pores.
yep.

moving forward is good.

____________________________________________________

Thanks for tuning in and I bid you a good day.
Peace. Love. El.